Look, I try to be as fair as possible. I don't like to cheat or lie or play silly games.
I like to think I'm a logical person, and I try to make sense out of everything. I try to be objective as possible as I can.
And it is hard, at times. But whoever said "just follow your heart" bullshit, was high and didn't know what the fuck he was talking about.
So let us remember everything..
And I mean EVERYTHING.
It was probably something similar to love at first sight. Admiration? Crush? Interest?! Well, whatever you want to call it.
It was mutual, deep, and most importantly; real.
Or at least from my side.
Thing went really well, for a while. Before you fucked things up.
Ok, sorry.. I'll stick to the whole "being objective" thingy.
Anyway.. Things got screwed up, and it wasn't just your fault, it was mine too (see I can be objective and fair!).
We stayed away from each other because.... Well, I don't know why actually. But I guess, because we couldn't stand each other and needed a break, lol.
Then boom.. You texted me.
Actually, you liked something I posted on FB, before texting me.
And that sent me to the moon.. Of course I was happy.. I love/loved you.
Next thing I know, you were texting me.. And then came that long-ass email about us being "friends".. Which pissed me off like there was no tomorrow, because I was on a different page.
But hey I didn't mind us being friends, because I wanted you back at any cost, even if it meant, stepping on my heart and pretending to be happy.
Now, our "friendship" lasted for two weeks. Which is good tbh, because I had to put up with so much pain.
And because of that pain, I had to end it all.
Listen, it wasn't easy for me. You had my heart. But I just had to do it because it was the better of two evils.
Of course I couldn't stay away from her.. So that "break up" was for like two weeks? And then I had to get her back.
And yes.. We were back. Stronger than ever.
It was so beautiful.. It was so indescribable, so powerful and magical, it totally absorbed me and it was overwhelming.. I've never experienced such thing before.
But I was scared, because I was already so open to you, so vulnerable.. But hey, I trusted you, so I didn't worry about anything.. I guess I thought you were trust-worthy... Sorry, had to take off that "objective" mask for a bit..
Trouble followed us.. Because.. Well, I don't know why actually.. But things always get fucked up eventually.. I guess nothing stays the same.
And that problem did not startle me for one minute, because we were a team. We were together. And I was so damn ready to do whatever it takes to get you out of all the troubles in the world.
Unfortunately, you didn't feel that way about me.
You ditched me on the first chance you got. It was like, you were waiting for a moment like that.. You couldn't even fight back.. I wasn't worth the trouble, nor the fight, for you.. I didn't even deserve a fucking telephone call, to tell me you wanted to end things..
...takes a break...
Ok, listen.. You did love me. We both know it. And I know better, not to call you a liar..
But baby.. Remember the first time we met? I told you that I don't believe or trust people.. And that the only thing that matters to me, is action. I don't care what people say, if they care about me, they better show me! Because YES, yes, yes, god damn it, actions DO speak louder than fuckin words!!
What's the point of telling me, that you love me, without being able to prove it??
So that chapter is over..
New scenes are showing now.
That asshole is back.
Thank you for stabbing me in the heart for the -i don't how many times-.. Oh well.. Just thank you.
After everything, you're back to HIM???
Ok, ok.. Forget about that jerk.
What about the new chick??? FUCK that!!!!
You say you love me -oh so fuckin much- and you're already dating someone else????????
Like FUCK IT!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK ITTTTT!!!
God damn it.. Why??? Just why???
At least be brave enough to explain it to me.. Why are you hiding??
And you know what hurts the most?
Ok forget EVERYTHING I just said, and just listen to this..
You say you love me.. And yet, when I needed you, like really needed you, you decided to ditch me again.
I guess you got way too used to ditching me, especially when I really need you.
My mom had an operation.. My cat died.. I'm failing in college.. I'm broke.. No actually, we're broke.. Shit are pretty serious.. My whole family might go to fuckin jail.. And endless bullshit and drama going on in my life.. And all I wanted to do, was talk.. I just wanted to fuckin talk, you fuckin bitch.. But oh well, "it wasn't a good idea". Of course it wasn't.
Oh boy.. That was definitely not even close to being objective.
But I just had to let it out.. Though I'm still depressed and feel like killing myself.
I feel stupid for loving you.. I feel stupid for thinking about you every single night.. I feel stupid for still wanting you back.. I feel sorry for myself.. I don't know what to do.. I love you, even though I don't want to.. And if you ever think I hate you, then.. You never knew me...
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