Let's go through all the shit, in a logical order.

Look, I try to be as fair as possible. I don't like to cheat or lie or play silly games.
I like to think I'm a logical person, and I try to make sense out of everything. I try to be objective as possible as I can.
And it is hard, at times. But whoever said "just follow your heart" bullshit, was high and didn't know what the fuck he was talking about.

So let us remember everything..
And I mean EVERYTHING.

It was probably something similar to love at first sight. Admiration? Crush? Interest?! Well, whatever you want to call it.
It was mutual, deep, and most importantly; real.
Or at least from my side.

Thing went really well, for a while. Before you fucked things up.
Ok, sorry.. I'll stick to the whole "being objective" thingy.

Anyway.. Things got screwed up, and it wasn't just your fault, it was mine too (see I can be objective and fair!).
We stayed away from each other because.... Well, I don't know why actually. But I guess, because we couldn't stand each other and needed a break, lol.

Then boom.. You texted me.
Actually, you liked something I posted on FB, before texting me.
And that sent me to the moon.. Of course I was happy.. I love/loved you.
Next thing I know, you were texting me.. And then came that long-ass email about us being "friends".. Which pissed me off like there was no tomorrow, because I was on a different page.
But hey I didn't mind us being friends, because I wanted you back at any cost, even if it meant, stepping on my heart and pretending to be happy.

Now, our "friendship" lasted for two weeks. Which is good tbh, because I had to put up with so much pain.

And because of that pain, I had to end it all.
Listen, it wasn't easy for me. You had my heart. But I just had to do it because it was the better of two evils.

Of course I couldn't stay away from her.. So that "break up" was for like two weeks? And then I had to get her back.

And yes.. We were back. Stronger than ever.
It was so beautiful.. It was so indescribable, so powerful and magical, it totally absorbed me and it was overwhelming.. I've never experienced such thing before.
But I was scared, because I was already so open to you, so vulnerable.. But hey, I trusted you, so I didn't worry about anything.. I guess I thought you were trust-worthy... Sorry, had to take off that "objective" mask for a bit..

Trouble followed us.. Because.. Well, I don't know why actually.. But things always get fucked up eventually.. I guess nothing stays the same.

And that problem did not startle me for one minute, because we were a team. We were together. And I was so damn ready to do whatever it takes to get you out of all the troubles in the world.
Unfortunately, you didn't feel that way about me.
You ditched me on the first chance you got. It was like, you were waiting for a moment like that.. You couldn't even fight back.. I wasn't worth the trouble, nor the fight, for you.. I didn't even deserve a fucking telephone call, to tell me you wanted to end things..

...takes a break...

Ok, listen.. You did love me. We both know it. And I know better, not to call you a liar..
But baby.. Remember the first time we met? I told you that I don't believe or trust people.. And that the only thing that matters to me, is action. I don't care what people say, if they care about me, they better show me! Because YES, yes, yes, god damn it, actions DO speak louder than fuckin words!!
What's the point of telling me, that you love me, without being able to prove it??

So that chapter is over..
New scenes are showing now.

That asshole is back.
Thank you for stabbing me in the heart for the -i don't how many times-.. Oh well.. Just thank you.
After everything, you're back to HIM???

Ok, ok.. Forget about that jerk.

What about the new chick??? FUCK that!!!!
You say you love me -oh so fuckin much- and you're already dating someone else????????
Like FUCK IT!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK ITTTTT!!!

God damn it.. Why??? Just why???

At least be brave enough to explain it to me.. Why are you hiding??

And you know what hurts the most?
Ok forget EVERYTHING I just said, and just listen to this..

You say you love me.. And yet, when I needed you, like really needed you, you decided to ditch me again.
I guess you got way too used to ditching me, especially when I really need you.

My mom had an operation.. My cat died.. I'm failing in college.. I'm broke.. No actually, we're broke.. Shit are pretty serious.. My whole family might go to fuckin jail.. And endless bullshit and drama going on in my life.. And all I wanted to do, was talk.. I just wanted to fuckin talk, you fuckin bitch.. But oh well, "it wasn't a good idea". Of course it wasn't.


Oh boy.. That was definitely not even close to being objective.
But I just had to let it out.. Though I'm still depressed and feel like killing myself.

I feel stupid for loving you.. I feel stupid for thinking about you every single night.. I feel stupid for still wanting you back.. I feel sorry for myself.. I don't know what to do.. I love you, even though I don't want to.. And if you ever think I hate you, then.. You never knew me...

Darling, you're still the one.

And baby.. After all that's been said and done.. You're still the one, and I still adore you..

- title's been deleted because of the obscene language! -

Thanks for crushing me again. I feel heartbroken, all over again..
I take back every single nice word I've ever said about you. You don't deserve it.



I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.

Jesse Cook - Incantation

A blend of emotions.

Peace. Nostalgia. Uprising. Depression. Languish. Tolerance. Disconnection. Distortion. Contemplation. Bewilderment. Awkwardness. Grief. Drowsiness...
And definitely the inability to describe how I feel, deeply.

Abhorrence

I've been absorbing all the negativity in the world lately.. It seems like everyone's sadness and misery is building up inside of me and making me depressed.
And I honestly have my own share of misery, so I don't need more crap.
But I'm not receiving this pain by contacting those who are in pain. Well I am, but that's not the only way. It's kind of like sensing and feeling those unpleasant things without even communicating with people. I can feel it. I can simply feel it.. And it's hurting me..

I might not be making any sense, but that's the way it is with me at the moment.

All this hunger, sickness, tragedies, conflicts and many other things are hurting me.. And I'm so helpless. So helpless and pathetic.
Helplessness hurts me too.

So revolted..

But who cares..

Get out of my head please!

I gotta stop reading your messages and texts god damn it!
You are invading my brain, you took over my world.. I can't stop thinking about it.. It's a fact.. And it's hard for me to admit it, but it's true..

I love you..

All I want.. Is to look in your eyes and tell you how I feel about you, knowing and being certain that it wouldn't ruin anything we already have.. Though we have almost nothing left.. I don't even know if you consider me a friend anymore.. But god.. I want you to be mine.. Mine only..

You keep keep me up at night.. I daydream about you during the day.. You are occupying me..
You are haunting me, haunting my thoughts, my dreams, my whole world..
I don't know what to do anymore..

I don't know if I should try and let you go.. Try to forget you and kick you out of my system..
Or give it a shot, a risky shot and tell you how I truly feel about you..
I do realize that I'll end up losing you if I ever tell you the truth, but then.. I hate holding back..

I love you.. With all my heart.. I'm in love with you.. Madly in love with you..

Hatred coming out of love

I hate you.


Actually I love you.
But I hate you because you aren't mine. I hate you for not knowing how much I love you. I hate you for loving someone else. And I hate that someone else.
I hate you because you're mad at me for no good reason.. It might seem like a good reason to you, but once you hear my side of the story, understand the reason behind everything, you'll regret all the time you wasted..

I dream of you every single night.. I dream of us together.. All I want is one shot.. Just one chance.. Let me show you how much I care..

All I have to say is.. I adore you...

Yet another confession

Why is it so easy for you to upset me?
More like.. Why do I easily get upset?

I know the answer but I'm afraid to admit it..
I'm afraid to admit it coz maybe I dun want it to be true..
And I dun want it to be true coz.. I won't get anything out of it basically.. So there's no point..

I noticed that my latest posts were very short n that's because I've been speechless for the last few weeks.. Words betrayed me.. Again..

All I know is that I can't see myself without you.. All I know is that I need u in my life..

And I know.. I just know.. That I love u.

Pain pain pain.. Endless pain..

My heart.. Is hurt.. I'm in serious pain.. Physically and emotionally.. I think the emotional pain is gradually growing into a physical one.. And I wish I can die right now.. I don't want to suffer anymore.. I don't want to be strong or tough because there's absolutely no reason to do that..

Somebody do me a favor n kill me..

Last hope is gone

I should be happy for u..
But I'm not..
How can I be?!

Lately.. I've been crying myself to sleep.. And it's basically, because of u..

I'm just wondering, how come everything/one I want/love fade to black? Why???
I'm losing it all..

Please?!

All I need is a hug..

Relig-ass

I don't have a problem with God,
It's his fanclub I can't stand.

Could this be..?

If you only knew..

Lol ?!

What's next???

It's funny that I actually no longer care about the future.. Going with the flow.. Silently going with flow.. Numbly going with the flow..

What do u do when u feel like talking to someone but no one is willing to listen?! Friends don't exist. I have learnt the hard way.

And lol, that one person u need in ur life, is never there.. Lol.. It makes me laugh, seriously.. Because I ran out of tears.. I'm laughing instead.. Lol.. Misery no longer hurts.. I'm comfortably miserable.. And comfortably numb as well..
Because I belong there.. In the dark.. With the ashes.. My sanctuary..

Screw this life.. Screw human beings.. Screw everything.. From now on, I won't give a damn about anything/one. I WILL BE SELFISH!

It's about time

I'm murdering that voodoo doll.. Burning it in the flames of hell.. I'm no longer under your spell!

Goodbye.