Can I get any dumber?

Today's thoughts

Meh.. What a day.. Can't really tell if it's good or not.. Severe mood swings driving me completely insane! No wait! I am actually insane! The chemicals in my brain are not right! Oh well.. How sad!

* I'm so out of it!!!

* I ate like a monster.. Gosh I hate doing that..

* Well apparently my brain's not functioning! I can't focus or even come up with the right words.. Sucks..

* Ok screw this I dun haev any friggin thoughts coz I can barely think!!!

Kill me please.

So what if u actually love me??
Am I supposed to be so happy??

It's weird the way some ppl think..

I haven't wrote anything in months.. God.. I'm dead inside.. I can't take all this pressure anymore..

Why was I born?

So.. Let's face it, I'm broke, lonely even though I've someone that adores me, misunderstood, frustrated, depressed.. I can keep going.. Describing my misery..

Believe it or not, dying right now wouldn't harm anyone! On the contrary, a lot of ppl would be happy n feel much better once I'm gone.. At least mom wouldn't have to worry about the money anymore..

I got no reason to live.. I want to die..

..........

I feel so lonely.. More than ever..

I actually feel so hollow for some reason.. I'm sick of this, need a way out, or a way back into my real life.. A ticket to salvation, whatever & wherever it is..

I want to cry but I can't. I can't because I don't want others to see me this weak..

Don't know what to say, words have betrayed me this time..

Pissed off like there's no tomorrow

I don't get it.. I just don't fucking get it.. What the fuck is wrong with you?????
Are you senseless? Spiritless? Emotionless? Or just frigging stupid???
Because I am going insane.. Basically I'm getting even more disappointed and questioning and doubting myself.. Do I have a trace of regret?! I SURE DO!

Seriously, what are you made of?! I believe it's wood, not blood and flesh.

You were created when stupidity and insensitivity were mixed together.. What a great blend!

I hate you, I really do..

Why on earth are you doing this to me.. Why? Just give me a god damn reason.. And if I should let things go their way or go with the flow, then I will.. If you want it to happen then I'll save you the effort of telling me.. Of hurting me even more..

Thank you for everything you've done.. Thank you for sabotaging my life.

Stepping stone..

Mistaken again..

Another stepping stone on my way to "happiness".. It's quite funny that everytime I think someone understands, I'd be turned down.. To my inner self who keeps telling me that no one understands shit.. That no one would understand my insanity, my sensitivity, my complexes but most importantly; ME.

But I just have to give it a shot each time, because I never lose hope. I'm not a very optimistic person, but I am hopeful when it comes to this. Because I did find that one person who took it all in and accepted it.. But how ironic that I lost that person, I let them go.. How pathetic..

I might be on my way to misanthropy!

This can't be true though, there's gotta be more than this..

The more I get disappointed the more I'm hurt.. And no, nobody sees my inner wounds & scars because they're too blind and ignorant to notice anything.. And I am not one to speak..

Can it get more fucked up?!

I guess I shall live with the regret of letting you go.. I wonder if you know how I feel though, because after all, you know me better than anyone, you see right through me in a magical way.

I just want to be free.. I want to get out of this quod..

I think I should not trust people that much, or believe in them, and maybe then I wouldn't be so spiritless and grim!

Don't Die

Don't Die

In a masquerade
Laughters fade
No way out
It's time to pout
I'm crawling
I'm calling
To your voice I hone
I hate it being alone
I did cry
I wanted to try
I can't

I shan't

I'm howling

Now falling

Frown on my face
Feeling the disgrace

By friends surrounded

With eyes of stone I'm hounded

With promises broken
With camouflage I'm choking
Too blind to see

Too numb to feel misery

Tore to the extent

Breaking my heart they meant

Looking around

No echoes, no sound

Mere a shadow

In a memory that's shallow

In a cul-de-sac

Where walls will crack

You go & you come
Hallucinating is in the sum

Called a daft
Left in the abaft
Desiring to fly above

But I don't believe in love
I believe in you
That's what I know

Hurtfully missed

With you I'm blessed

I lost her

I shiver

I think about you & I shake

I forget about her for your sake
My moon

Lighten it soon

My sky
Don't die

I'll quiver
As for her I did shiver

Won't bear

You not being near

Silence is killing me

I miss you dad..
I can't escape this feeling.. It's killing me..

I just need you so much, there's absolutely no one in this whole universe that would make me feel the way you made me feel.. The way you used to look at me, the way you used to love me, hug me and just have faith in me..

I wonder if you'd still feel the same about me if you were alive.. Cause.. I'm feeling very disappointed in myself at this specific moment.. And I reckon you would feel the same way..

Need to hear you telling me that everything will be ok..

In 6 days, it'll be a year since you've been away.. I can't believe it, and I definitely don't want to.. I can understand it, but I hate to face the truth that you'll never be around..

It's so pathetic the way I feel right now.. I feel sorry for myself..

Why on earth did you go and leave me alone??? I know all the answers, and I'm aware of every single fact but I'm so mad and angry.. I'm mad at myself for the way I treated you, I'm mad for leaving you suffer and hurt.. I hate myself..

I just.. Miss you, simple as that..

Having so many feelings and emotions right now that I don't think I am able to express.. Feeling like a prisoner..

I don't think I'll ever wake up in the morning without thinking of you, remembering you, and wishing you are at ease now.. Knowing that you are in a better place now, is the only thing I dream of..

I just wish I told you how much I love you when you were here.. Maybe it would've made you happy, maybe it would've made you smile..
I still remember the text I sent you years ago, and then your phone call, and what you told me.. I know how happy you were then..

You were my shield, but I was a foolish kid to realize it.. And now that I do, I feel so insecure.. You made me feel SAFE.

I love you so much.. I will always love you..

Unfortunately my fallen tears right now won't bring you back, won't let you know how much I care..

I'd do ANYTHING to have just one more day with you..

RIP father

The Second Loss

Today I have lost another dear person..

My first loss was my father, 9 months ago. He died.
Today's loss, was of someone I love. She's still alive, but she doesn't want me to be a part of her life anymore. And doesn't want to be part of mine.

I just realized I lost the two people that loved me the most in my entire life. Gave me all they've got. And I just treated them so bad.

I understand why she doesn't want me anymore, she's had enough. It's her right. She gave me a lot of chances, forgave me endlessly, but that was it. As she said, she's only a human.

I do not know what to do now.

Being lost or confused doesn't exactly describe my current status.

I just don't know what to do now without her. She's been my everything ever since my father passed away. And she's gone too. So basically, I'm just alone now.
Because no, no one is left. My mother & sister loves me too, but they don't understand me, they don't know everything about me, they'll never forgive my mistakes the way she did. And honestly, I'll never love them the way I love her.

She cared so much. So much that she just had to leave me in the end because she couldn't take it anymore.

Ahmed's words are running through my head now. He told me that I am going to lose all my friends if I keep doing this. He was right. I lost the most important one. The one I'm in love with.

I don't know if we'll ever speak again. I doubt it. Because she will never ever forget what I did. She doesn't have a reason to do that for. And I can't give her one. I can't blame her.

I blame myself. I hate myself.
But that's nothing new. Only new thing about it is that now I have another reason to do it.
I hate myself for losing her.

I bet I gave her a very good answer to my question when I asked: "Am I a good person?"

I can't stand being alone. Being away from her, I just can't stand it, it kills me. Though I'm already dead but she was the only thing that would make me want to be a better human being, a good friend, a nice person, a writer & a poet, she would make me feel the most beautiful feeling in the world; LOVE.
Now.. It's all gone..

I just wish, that somehow, someday she knows how much I love her. And even though she'll never really figure it out, but I'm still hopeful..

Fake

Everyone thinks I'm such a good person.. Successful and smart too.. But the truth is, I'm a liar & a loser.. Today was another proof.. Unfortunately no1 knows it.. I can't believe I'm lying to everybody..

What hurts is that they believe n have faith in me.. But I keep disappointing them, and disappointing myself in the first place.. I can't take this feeling anymore..

I AM A LOSER.

Too lost in you

For you baby..
Sugababes - Too Lost In You


You look into my eyes
I go out of my mind
I can't see anything
Cos this love's got me blind
I can't help myself
I can't break the spell
I can't even try

I'm in over my head
You got under skin
I got no strength at all
In the state that I'm in

And my knees are weak
And my mouth can't speak
Fell too far this time

[Chorus:]
Baby, I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you
(Too lost in you)

ooh
Well you whispered to me
And I shiver inside
You undo me and move me
In ways undefined
And you're all I see
And you're all I need
Help me baby (help me baby)
Help me baby (help me now)

Cos I'm slipping away
Like the sand to the tide
Falling into your arms
Falling into your eyes
If you get too near
I might disappear
I might lose my mind

[Chorus:]
Baby, I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you
(Too lost in you)

I'm going in crazy in love for you baby
(I can't eat and I can't sleep)
I'm going down like a stone in the sea
Yeah, no one can rescue me
(No one can rescue me)

Oooh, my baby
Oooh, baby, baby

[Chorus:]
Baby, I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you

I'm lost in you
I'm lost in you
I'm lost in everything about you
So deep (so deep), I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you
(Too lost in you)

It's been 10 months..

I'm in love..
As scary as that sounds.. As weird as that sounds or even as cliche as that sounds..
But I really am..

Several questions pop in my head:
Why YOU????
What's so special about you???
Why can't I get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.. Why are you always my first thought when I wake up and the last one before I sleep.. My heart skips a beat when I think of you, well basically all I can do right now is just think about/of you.. 24/7.. You make me smile, you make me cry, you make me happy, you make me sad, you make mad & angry but I'm still soooo into you..
And I know I shouldn't.. This love is wrong but I can't help it, I have seriously tried to not love you, to even hate you but I ended up loving you more.. I don't know how this is going to end, but hopefully no tragedies..

I try to talk about anything with you just for conversation's sake, just for the sake of looking into your eyes and listening to your voice.. And just watching you.. In front of me.. Talking to me..

"Ever since I saw your face,
Nothing in my life has been the same..
I walk around just saying your name,
Without you my world would end.."

Quoted from a stupid, silly pop song :P but I love those 4 lines..

You have no idea about all the feelings I have for you.. And it hurts because I don't even exist in your world, I'm just... Someone...

It's silly, the way I always picture you whenever I listen to a cheesy love song..

I truly and deeply love you..

I read your texts over and over again.. Unbelieving you actually sent them!! Because anything related to YOU is so precious to ME..

Your name makes my heart melt.. Just the sound of it sends me to another planet.. I Google it about ten times a day just for the sake of typing it.. I write it whenever I'm holding a pen.. I even wrote it on the back of my final exam's paper XD and guess what, it brought me luck!

All I want.. Is to be with you, and be loved by you..

You complete me, you are without a doubt my first true love that no matter what happens I'll always remember and cherish..

I realize that my feelings will probably go wasted and that we don't even have a chance together.. But I can't help but to fall for you.. It is out of my hands my love.. So out of my hands..

No one understands why I love you, no one knows how special, awesome & outstanding you are.. How beautiful inside/out, gracious & charming.. But I am blessed to know all of this and even more.. I am blessed to know you.. And even if we never end up together, you must know that you will always mean a whole lot to me.. Always and forever..

I love you <3