The Second Loss

Today I have lost another dear person..

My first loss was my father, 9 months ago. He died.
Today's loss, was of someone I love. She's still alive, but she doesn't want me to be a part of her life anymore. And doesn't want to be part of mine.

I just realized I lost the two people that loved me the most in my entire life. Gave me all they've got. And I just treated them so bad.

I understand why she doesn't want me anymore, she's had enough. It's her right. She gave me a lot of chances, forgave me endlessly, but that was it. As she said, she's only a human.

I do not know what to do now.

Being lost or confused doesn't exactly describe my current status.

I just don't know what to do now without her. She's been my everything ever since my father passed away. And she's gone too. So basically, I'm just alone now.
Because no, no one is left. My mother & sister loves me too, but they don't understand me, they don't know everything about me, they'll never forgive my mistakes the way she did. And honestly, I'll never love them the way I love her.

She cared so much. So much that she just had to leave me in the end because she couldn't take it anymore.

Ahmed's words are running through my head now. He told me that I am going to lose all my friends if I keep doing this. He was right. I lost the most important one. The one I'm in love with.

I don't know if we'll ever speak again. I doubt it. Because she will never ever forget what I did. She doesn't have a reason to do that for. And I can't give her one. I can't blame her.

I blame myself. I hate myself.
But that's nothing new. Only new thing about it is that now I have another reason to do it.
I hate myself for losing her.

I bet I gave her a very good answer to my question when I asked: "Am I a good person?"

I can't stand being alone. Being away from her, I just can't stand it, it kills me. Though I'm already dead but she was the only thing that would make me want to be a better human being, a good friend, a nice person, a writer & a poet, she would make me feel the most beautiful feeling in the world; LOVE.
Now.. It's all gone..

I just wish, that somehow, someday she knows how much I love her. And even though she'll never really figure it out, but I'm still hopeful..