Alive

Just a post..
To tell u..




That I'm still alive..

-.-

Just some crap..

Yet, another day..

*Same shit, different day!*

I'm at the uni righ now, my exam will start in 2 hours & 30 minutes..
I didn't study well yesterday, first there was that huge note that I didn't understand (n I still dun get it) and then I got bored n ufff, I hate to study..I just read the notes..
Though I still have one more note to read, but I dun think I'm in the mood 2 do anything right now..The worst thing, is that I haven't slept all night..
And yeah ok, it's starting to be my life style now, staying up for more than 35 hours every once in a while..But damn I'm tired!! :/

And I know that I dun have to do it..But I just do it anyway..In both cases I'm wasting time, whether I slept or not..

So yeah apart from that..I'm ok..[I guess]..

Gosh When I think of myself, of who I really am..I wonder if someone will ever love me, n I mean love me forever..Coz I tend to push away all the ones that loves me, n I've been pretty good at that lately!! :(
I dunno y I've to mess things up everytime they're perfect..It's just killing me..

I miss Hiba..Terribly..
I just, need to talk to her..I want her to be in my life..

Mom told me the other day (or maybe I should use the word "screamed") that I'm just like my father, n maybe she's right..I am like him..
But I dun mind, at least it's better than being like her..
Actually, I hate my entire family, so it duzn really matter..

I'm glad I've this blog to write in it every now n then..Coz I haven't touched my real notebook since god knows when, I guess I no longer like to 'write'..Typing seems easier :P

So what else?!

Hmm..For some weird reason, I feel like I wanna keep on writing forever, I just dun wanna end this post..It's sorta cool though, coz I've nothin else to do..

Rabih asked me yesterday about the scars I have on my arm..I must admit, my heart was beating really fast when he looked at me n simply asked me bout em, but I think I managed to stay calm n look cool, n just lie to him about it..
Well, I am a good liar, I mean I always know what 2 say & how 2 say it..But I'm glad that I no longer lie too much..Lying sucks..

I'm in a bad need for some loud & heavy music right now..Music is my anti-drug..

It's really cold at the moment :S

And I'm deadly bored..

If only u knew,
How much I love u..

Tonight, it all ends..It's just over..


Forever me & forever you..

Lithium

This song, is one of my very favourite songs by my fav band Evanescence

I guess I can relate to it.. Like most of the ppl who suffer from Bipolar Disorder..

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside,

Lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without,

Lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow,

Oh but God I want to let it go..

come to bed, don't make me sleep,

Alone couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show,

Never wanted it to be so cold,

Just didn't drink enough to say you love me..

I can't hold on to me,

Wonder what's wrong with me..

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside,
Lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without,
Lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow,
Oh but God I want to let it go..

Don't want to let it lay me down this time,

Drown my will to fly,

Here in the darkness I know myself,

Can't break free until I,

Let it go let me go..

Darling, I forgive you after all,

Anything is better than to be alone,

And in the end I guess I had to fall,

Always find my place among the ashes..

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me..

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside,

Lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without,

Lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow,

Oh but God I want to let it go..

Protect me..

Protect me from what I want..

Why do ppl like me, love to hurt themselves?! Isn't it enough that we get hurt by others?!
Or is pain our drug?!
I cannot take this anymore..
I tried 2 put it all behind me, but obviously, what I was tryin to do didn't really work out..

Though I think, I feed on pain & hurt..But..It seems as if its only breaking me down, n destroying me..
I feed on my self-destruction..

Protect me from what I want..

I wasn't like this, I was someone else..
I was a human back then..A real human..

I wish I could go back to what I was like..That old me..
I just wanna break free of my current-self..It's unbearable..

Numb..

Protect me from what I want..

Is it too much to be asked?!
I only wanna be protected from what I want..From myself..

I'm askin for salvation..For freedom..

Confusion's covering me..It's making me blind, I'm just lacking discernment..
Won't u guide me?! I'm waiting 4 u..

Protect me from what I want..
Protect me please..

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams,

For if dreams die,

Life is a broken-winged bird,

That cannot fly..

Hold fast to dreams,

For when dreams go,

Life is a barren field,

Frozen with snow..